Archive for June 8, 2011

Bachelorettes and Boobs

Posted in Daily Bread on June 8, 2011 by dunnthat

Could I even go a Bachelor/Bachelorette season and not comment?  Hmmm?  Um, nope.

Seriously, you have to admit, it’s just too juicy this time not to jump in.  And ABC, COME ON!  What’s with the Utah hate?  Can we PLEASE get a normal person on the show?

Answer:  No.  Normal people aren’t on The Bachelor/Bachelorette.  Period.  End of story.

ABC has found its idiocy nirvana…Salt Lake City.  And for the lucky candidates, you’ll be glad to know that the franchise is having a casting call downtown this Saturday.

Mark your calendars.

Until then, grab a beverage and get comfortable peeps, because this is going to be a looong one… (recognize the “dot dot dot”?  Ah, Bentley.  You first class tool.)

Before I begin I should set the record straight:  I have been mispronouncing Bachelorette Ashley’s last name this entire time in a very hayseed kind of way (as is my wont).  Herbert…not herrr-berrt, but ay-BARE (I previously put this as air-BAY – WHAT IN THE WORLD??).   Go Ashley…three steps forward on the “cool” meter.  Francaise si vous plait.

First we must examine why people watch this show.  Is it because we believe in love and want to root for true love for someone else?  Are hopeless romantics? Because we think that this one lucky girl or guy will truly find their soul mate on national television with zillions watching their every move and listening to their innermost thoughts being spoken to a camera?  (Seriously guys, keep some of that to yourselves…please.)

If you watch for any of the above, you are a fool.  Those who participate – if you truly think you are going to find true love, you are an even bigger fool.

How many success stories have their been?  One?  (Trista and Ryan)  Maybe two?  (Jason and his runner-up – which makes the experience a fail anyway)  Face it – this formula is not a recipe for romantic success.

So why do we watch?  Well, I’ll just speak for myself:  The Bachelor/Bachelorette is a fascinating study in absurd human behavior that is like watching an approaching train wreck without the strength or ability to turn away.  I … can’t … look … away.

Even when I am squirming at the incredible awkwardness.  Can’t do it.

Let’s discuss the giant elephant/tool in the room.  BENTLEY.

I can accept that ABC editing has made some of the stuff he’s said and done worse than it really is.  As has been suggested elsewhere by a friend of the guy, when he said, “tickle my [beep]” and everyone assumed the word bleeped was a phallic symbol that rhymes with “tickle,” he may have said “back.”

When he talked about kissing Ashley and said it started out “okay” and then got worse and worse, he could have been talking about when they were dancing as a male troop with the Jabberwockies instead of when he and Ashley were kissing.

When he said he was going to make Ashley cry and then said, “I hope my hair looks okay” right after, I can accept that perhaps those two sentences may not have been said together.

On a certain level, I have to admire Bentley because he’s the only one of the men on the show being completely honest.  He said from the beginning, “She’s not my type.”  “She doesn’t have what I’m looking for in a wife.”  “I’m not attracted to her.”

Listen, most of the guys on that show are liars.  West?  The one whose wife died in the bathtub?  She was a drug user who used then passed out in the tub and drowned.  Her family accuses him of introducing her to the partying lifestyle and still holds him responsible for her death.

Jeff?  Mister masked man?  Who knows what he’s really like…I do know this:  DUDE – don’t ask people to judge you for what’s inside when there’s nothing inside.  You were better off leaving the mask on and staying novel, because your personality was DULL.  “Hi.  I’m Jeff.”  EW!  Jeff.  You’re weird.

William – did he show his true colors when he “roasted” Ashley and said they were all hoping for Emily or at least Chantel?  Dimples don’t make the man, and fool many a woman.  Who knows what this guy is really like?  And Ashley – what in the world were you thinking to give this guy another chance??

As a friend posted on her facebook page:  “Roasting a girl you’re trying to impress? Bad idea. Note to self.”

How about a few more guys tell Ashley she’s flat?

Were the roasting comments real truth disguised as humor?  Who knows.  There is no way one can get to know a person for real in the bachelor/bachelorette setting.  Throw one person in a crowd of 25 of the opposite sex, toss a few or a hundred drinks at them, and then see what happens.

Love?  Please.

Ashley, I’m sorry, but as Jimmy Kimmel said, “You shouldn’t even be allowed to order off the menu.”  Did you really think you’d find love?  Did you really fall in love with Bentley after two weeks?  How could you really know or trust what you thought you knew in such a short period of time?  Did you really think your husband was in that room?  And you seriously thought it was BENTLEY of all people?  After two weeks?

One hundred ZILLION steps backward on the “cool” meter.

How in the world did you get into dental school??

Who is more to blame?  The rejects who clamor for the love of one person of the opposite sex, or that one person who really thinks he/she can use their instincts to find love in this most unnatural setting?

SO, for these reasons, I am not sure I can completely fault Bentley on all counts, since he was, at the very least, honest with the camera.

But this I will say, Bentley is cruel.  And ugly on the inside.  And I don’t need to see any more than I’ve seen to be able to determine that, with or without editing.  He seemed to really enjoy hurting another human being.  “It’s so annoying to be holding a girl and she keeps crying and crying and crying.”  Nice.

It’s totally okay to not hit it off with someone of the opposite sex.  It happens.  To everyone.  No one expects a “connection” with everyone. (Except reality show people for some odd reason.)  But there is no excuse for his complete un-Christlike behavior.  For a Mormon or an atheist.

He is a narcissist without thought or concern for the feelings of another human being.  He sadistically played a game for sport just to win it.  And to top it off, I honestly don’t think he’s all that good looking.  No matter how much time he spends on his hair while mask guy is sitting on the toilet two feet away from him (what the WHAT??).

DUDE.  You are a tool.  And thanks for embarrassing everyone in Utah and everyone Mormon on the planet.

And Ashley…seriously.  SERIOUSLY?? I have no more words.