Change the oil, check the tires

HOLY CRAP!! I know…I know.  Here’s the deal…I am a creature of habit, and I TOTALLY got out of the habit of writing blog posts.  Plus, you know, I was bored with my own life so I didn’t want to bore you.

You are welcome.

Although…there really has been a lot of stuff… A … lot … of … stuff … that I may or may not blog about.

Anyway, as the days went on and on, I felt super pressure to make my “come back” post really extraordinary.

So here’s the thing…I will never live up to my own expectations, much less yours on this post.  It’s likely going to be an average post, and I apologize right at the start.  But I really have to start somewhere.

This month I’m going to be 51-years-old.  I know, right?  I’m as thrilled as you might expect.  Let me tell you about my birthday month.

Last week I had a physical.  Changing the oil and checking the tires.  I told the doctor that I am getting more and more worried that I am losing my mind.  Everyone around me laughs and thinks I’m hysterical, but I want you to know – I seriously am worried. I am forgetting some really important things.  Like, entire conversations.

“Remember?  We talked about that last week?”  “Remember?  I went with you to look at reception centers last year.”  “Mom.  Mom.  We already prayed.  Duh.”

I actually saw a physician’s assistant, who is a woman, (go women!), so I am going to just call her “her” from now on for the sake of confusion.

So, I asked her about my memory loss.  She asked, “Are you losing your car?”  “No.”  “What does your family say?  Are they worried?”  “No.  They laugh at me.”  “When they stop laughing we need to start worrying.”

I like that litmus test.  Good one.  So…just know, that I am watching for the laughing to stop.  Don’t stop laughing, okay?

‘Cause then I’ll be worried.  Or, more worried.

She did have me do the sobriety test in the exam room, and sadly, I had a little tiny bit of trouble on the walking a straight line heel to toe.  I passed, but you try it.

It’s kind of hard.  I’m just sayin’.

Plus there are the hot flashes.  Worse.  Not related to working out anymore.  Pretty much related to ovaries that are shriveling and dying right inside my body.

Grossed out?  Moving on…

Then I told her that I think I’m going deaf.  I do enjoy my Q-Tips.  I sure do.  After every shower I clean out the old canal.  And yes, I do put the Q-Tip in my ear, but just barely.  I twist and I twirl around the outer edge of just barely inside my canal.  Some people call this experience an eargasm.

That’s all I will say about that.

Lately, though, I feel like I’m going deaf, and I worry that I’ve poked in too far.

Now, having this in mind, you will appreciate this next story just a little more.  Yesterday I was shopping at Costco (YAY COSTCO!) and I saw some ear wash.

And I thought YAY!  I can wash out my ears instead of poking the wax deeper into my brain!

Then I looked just a tad closer.  The ear wash is for dogs.


Okay, so, back to my month.  Monday, I am having my first colonoscopy.  (Spell checker says that’s wrong – WHAT?  I have no idea how to spell that.)  I can hardly wait!  (Yes, I can.)

Apparently the worst part is the prep, which is tomorrow.  So I’m super looking forward to that.  Leaving all my insides on the outside.

As an aside…spouse had his done at 50 and was told, “You have the colon of a twenty-year-old.”  Why does that make me so happy?  I guess it’s just good to know that with all the OTHER parts of our bodies going south, the old colon is super spry.

Come on.  That’s funny.

THEN, the next week I’m having my yearly mammogram.

And that rounds out my birthday month.  Don’t you wish you were me??

I know you’re jealous.

And again, sorry about the massive blank spot on the blog.  I’ll try harder.

P.S. Also had a tetanus shot and my arm is still killing me PLUS I have to do blood labs this week that will check hormone levels as well as WHY AM I SO FLIPPING TIRED ALL THE TIME??


3 Responses to “Change the oil, check the tires”

  1. emily m Says:

    Your month does not sound super fun. Great job on the post comeback. Well worth the wait. I chuckled to myself more than once. Let’s do lunch for your bday!

  2. Your birthday month sounds awful! you should have your family record you after your colonoscopy. people tend to say funny stuff, over and over again because they can’t remember they said it. it might make you feel like you really did lose your mind.

  3. Ahh, colonoscopy! I had my first one this year , too. A little late, yes, but now I can check that off my Bucket List! Well, at least for another three years anyway. You MUST read Dave Barry’s account of his colonoscopy. Too funny! He says after drinking Mobi-prep which tastes a little like “goat spit and urinal cleanser with a touch of lemon” his bowels traveled into the future and started eliminated foods he hadn’t even eaten yet.

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