Archive for January, 2011

Are you sure that wasn’t Monday??

Posted in Daily Bread on January 26, 2011 by dunnthat

This is what happened to me yesterday:

I got up early (for me – give me a break) and went to the gym to work out with my buddy J.  We did our cardio and then decided that even though we hate doing legs, it was going to be a leg day. 

First machine:  Squats.  I did about four squats when something in the right lower back quadrant went OW.  I was puzzled by this…because I was doing legs.  And I’m not that smart.  Because apparently they ARE related.  So I did two more squats.  Goodness – still OW.

So I tried something else.  Then I said to J, “I think I’m done.”  We both seemed too happy about that.  But that’s only because we hate the gym.  We like each other, but we hate the gym.

So I left.  And seriously, my back really hurt (and still does – what the what??).  I’m limping and hobbling like an 80 year old.

So when I get in my car to go home I check my phone and I have two messages:  One from my husband asking if I’d seen the registration renewal for his truck, since he’d just gotten pulled over for being expired.  I hadn’t.  Weird.  First fire.

I went into my husband’s office to look for the registration card.  I didn’t find that, but I DID find Mini’s registration card for the car HE drives, and guess what?  EXPIRED as well.

What the what??

Got the registration for the truck paid because it didn’t need emission and inspection, but Mini’s car does.  Can’t do his just yet because he DOES need emission and inspection…

Second fire:  Number three text messaged, “Have you paid tuition?”  GAH!!  No I had not.  It was due the day before.  And if you don’t pay by the due date they drop all your classes.  FIRE!  FIRE!  FIRE!!  Somehow I got it paid without him dropping classes.

Whew.

I got ready for work.  I work once a week and I can pick the day.  Even though it was snowy outside I continued getting ready for work, because it was, you know, Tuesday, and I usually work Tuesday, and to be honest, once I’m dressed and ready, the decision is done.  I mean, who wants to change clothes once you’re in them?  Huh?

Back in the car.  And my back still hurts.  Grandma movements all the way.  I drove down my street and almost slid into a brick barrier on the way out of my neighborhood.  I thought, “Hmm.  Maybe I shouldn’t go out in this?”

But again – I was, you know, dressed.  So I thought, hey, I’ll just drive carefully.

And I did.  Super slow.

I got to a red light and stopped with PLENTY OF TIME AND SPACE before the intersection and I waited for the green light.  I was about 3 miles into my trip to work.  I was on the phone with my sister-in-law so I wasn’t paying attention to my rearview mirror.

Which was probably a good thing, because BANG!!  I got rear-ended.  By someone who did NOT leave enough time and space to make the stop.  I’m glad I didn’t have the stress of watching that happen…

“I just got hit.  Prolly should call you back.”  Sigh.

So lady-who-hit-me and I pulled over.  She came out of her car with handicapped license plates, and pretty much just drug her left side as she walked toward me with her cane.

Her entire left side.

So then, I felt really bad for her.  And I started apologizing to HER because she hit me.  And to top it off, she was just coming from the dentist, so double crappy day for her.

So I went to the back of my car to see how bad it was (kind of bad…) and realized, MY REGISTRATION IS ALSO EXPIRED. 

For crying out loud.

We called the police and the NICEST policeman I have EVER met dealt with our little issue.  I mean, I kind of have a crush on this guy.  He kept saying, “We all make mistakes.”  Super cute!

He cited her for driving too fast for conditions, didn’t cite me for an expired registration, and after one hour of sitting in the snow, I decided, I can change my clothes for sure, and I went home.

And got in my PJs.

BUT, I had a Young Women (church thing) event that night that I really wanted to go to, so I got dressed AGAIN and went to hear what *I* thought was going to be a motivational talk (which I needed) but ended up being a talk about how much I have vs all the starving children in the world and why am I not doing anything about it because I waste so much money on useless things when I could really be helping to build schools in Haiti.

All true.  But not what I dragged myself out of bed for.  I wanted to feel motivated, but all I felt was sad.  And guilty.

And, my back STILL hurt.

Home.  Bed.  30 Rock on Netflix.

I’m going to try again today.

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Will you eat … ?

Posted in Daily Bread on January 18, 2011 by dunnthat

When my boys were little my husband used to play this awesome game with them.  It began with a poem:

There was an old woman with a stick and a staff
And you must neither smile nor laugh
But say right now, “I will…”

Then he would ask, “Will you eat …. ” followed by the grossest thing he could think of.  The object of the game is to neither smile nor laugh – and say “I will.” 

This was hard.

Examples:  “Will you eat pig guts?”  Answer:  “I will.”  “Will you eat turkey snot?”  “I will.”  “Will you eat lizard brains?”  “I will.”  “Will you eat elephant plaque?”  “I will.”

You get the idea.  My boys loved this game.  *I* loved this game.

But now it’s ruined.  Because every time I watch The Bachelor (yes – still watching – still can’t look away from the train wreck…Michelle what the CRAP??) and he asks, “Will you accept this rose?” and then she answers, “I will” … all I can think is “Will you eat cow boogers?”

And the moment is lost.

A dilemma

Posted in Daily Bread on January 13, 2011 by dunnthat

A circular problem:  I need a utility knife to open this package.

BLAST you Bachelor!

Posted in Daily Bread on January 11, 2011 by dunnthat

Dear The Bachelor:

Why?

Just…Why?

I thought we’d broken up.  I was cool with that.  I was looking forward to lots of free time.  Because, after all, it’s Brad…COME ON!  I wasted an entire season on him already.

How could you do this to me?  How could you fill my Monday nights with all sorts of crazy that I can’t resist?

Michelle.  You are simply gorgeous.  And from Utah.  I want to like you.  In fact, I’m kind of attracted to you myself.  Homewrecker.  BOOOOOOOZER!  Whiner.  Manipulator.  Wannabe model/actress.  And quite frankly, freakishly mean and over-confident.  We get it.  It’s your birthday.  STOP WHINING!  PS I don’t think she wins.

Booty butt girl…seriously?  You’re going to point out your large butt the very first episode?  AND got a rose.  Huh?

Manscaper.  That’s right…manscaper.  Who waxed him on the first night.  AND made it through to another episode.  Go figure.  I think she got shafted in the end, but hey, them’s the breaks.

Funeral director.  Kinda creepy.  Made the first cut.  And the second.  SO WEIRD.

Dentist – impressive.  But are you that dumb to think you can “fall” for any guy on the first date?  Yeesh.

Girl who breaks into song (badly) on their first meeting.  Sister-friend – keep that in the shower.  Bad choice.  Bad bad choice.

Waitress who says about fifty times she “quit her job” to be there like it’s some kind of great sacrifice.  Like she’s giving up so very much.  CHICK – I’m pretty sure you can get another waitress job just about…anywhere.  Plus I hear she has nipple rings.  She’s not a “really nice person.”  So weird, too.  Buh-bye.

Crazy blue dress girl from the first episode who kept trying to get Brad alone and kept getting chick-blocked.  HYSTERICAL.  Sister, if he keeps saying “yes” to every girl who steals him away from you after only 30 seconds with him, he’s just not that into you.  And, you’re done.

Vampire girl…seriously???  Ser-i-ous-ly?  Who has honest-to-gosh fangs.  Built right in.  “Lick it!”  And, still there.  Fabulously addicting train wreck I can’t turn away from.  I kind of need a shower after seeing her on my screen.

I kind of like the nanny.  And shy girl.  Whoever she is.  Whatever she does.  Dunno.

And cute coal miner’s daughter bleached blonde who married her childhood sweetheart, only to lose him to a plane accident all too soon.  Can it be more dramatic??  Yes it can.  Just one week after his death she finds out she’s pregnant with her deceased husband’s baby.  A little girl she names “Ricki,” which was her husband’s name.  You can’t make this stuff up.  And…bachelorette is darling and the one we root for – no doubt.  How could you not?  But sweetie – let’s do something about that hair color…yikes.  Your eyes are BROWN.  Your hair is super blonde.  This is not natural.  We all know it.

I thought I was over you.  O-ver.  Sucked.  Right.  Back.  In.  I have no faith in or interest in romance.  Please.  Don’t make me laugh.  A “connection” that begins on The Bachelor is destined to fail.  I have no allusions to that.

The word “connection” is forever ruined for me.  Because of you.  And “journey.” 

Thanks for that.

But come…on!  How can I not watch crazy town?

Why?  Why why why?

So bad you’re good. 

I think I need a shower.

Warmly,

Me