Archive for March, 2010

Intelligent children are difficult

Posted in Daily Bread on March 29, 2010 by dunnthat

I can’t even tell you how many arguments I’ve lost with my kids because they are too freakin’ smart. 

Endless.

Just last week I had a bout with Number Three that was so typical yet so funny that I had to tell you about it.  I’ll save it for last.

Past arguments I’ve lost because my children are smart:  When Number One was nearing the magic age of sixteen, I gently reminded him, “It will be super sad if you turn sixteen and can’t get your driver’s license because you don’t have your Eagle Scout.  Especially since we have a car waiting for you to drive and everything.”

Number One, “Okay.  Sure.  I could get my Eagle Scout according to your parameters, but I would be getting the award for you and not for me and it would be nothing I would be proud of.  Or, you could let me do it in my own time so it has more meaning.  Whatever.”

Number One got his car at sixteen and his Eagle Scout the night before he turned eighteen.

Furthermore, husband promised Second Son that if he got his Eagle Scout before Number One, husband would give Second Son $100.

Number One says to Second Son, “Tell you what.  I’ll let you get your Eagle before me and we can split the $100.”

Sigh.

Second Son was fourteen years old.  I found out that he went downtown with his also fourteen-year-old friend.  And, oh, yes, friend was driving.

I was LIVID.  When Second Son finally answered my numerous phone calls I said, “Is there something you want to tell me?”

He said, “Nope.  No, there isn’t.”

“I think you might want to re-think that answer.”

“Nope.  That’s the answer I’m sticking with.”

See…because he didn’t “want” to tell me anything.  Get it?  He didn’t lie.

Recently Number Four and I (new missionary!) had a detailed argument about curfew.  It was difficult for him to accept “Because I’m the mom, that’s why” when he argued his case that he was an adult and shouldn’t be monitored quite so tightly. 

That story isn’t interesting, but it’s all I could think of regarding Number Four.  And seriously, any time I’ve ever argued with him it’s a head banger.

And, of course, Mini never argues with me.  Ever.

BUT – I’ve saved the very best story for last.  And this one astounded even me.

Number Three seems to argue with me … about EVERYTHING.  Surely that isn’t true, but it sure feels like it.

Last week I’d just had it with bashing heads about every…single…thing… And so I said, “I swear, you would argue with me if I said the sun rose in the east.”

And without taking so much as a deep breath he said, “Technically it doesn’t rise.  The horizon falls.”

OH…MY…GOSH!!!

And I could not stop laughing.  Because A) He actually did argue with me, and B) He’s right!!  (See, the sun remains stationary while the earth rotates on its axis while it circles the sun.)

GAH!!!!!

Many are cold but few are frozen

Posted in Daily Bread on March 25, 2010 by dunnthat

Elder Number Four has been called to serve a full-time mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints to the CANADA WINNIPEG MISSION!! He will be entering the MTC July 28th.

I wish you all could have seen his face as he read the mission call from the First Presidency.  He read the letter before he shared his news with his family and friends.  As it should be. 

But his face…his face… He brightly beamed.  So SO fun to see that!

Are missionaries called by inspiration?  There could be some debate.  But for this young man, I do believe this call was inspired.  He will thrive in Canada.

As a mother, this is my third missionary.  The first two served in South America.  I KNOW how to prepare a young man for South America!!

I know that microfiber slacks work best for the hot humid climate where slack breeze is important and bucket washability is a must.  I know that powder to absorb the moisture while they sweat is really helpful.  I know that they go through shoes, no matter how nice, about every four months.  And that slacks don’t last in the sun and heat, (they fade).

I know that SmartWool socks, weird as it sounds, are the best socks for hot, humid weather.  Cool in the summer, warm in the winter.

I know that expensive mattress and pillow protectors really help keep the critters away from their skin while they sleep.  I know that Jolly Ranchers don’t do well when you send them in the mail (they become soup).

I know a lot about Latin Americans.  They are generous and humble and grateful.  And they like to drink weird grass clippings.

But how in the world do you prepare your son for -50 degree weather??  I have NO IDEA.  The whole thing has me discombobulated.

But I do know this:  Number Four could not be more excited.  He doesn’t really care where he serves.  He just wants to serve the Lord.

Number Three’s best buddy just returned home from the very same mission.  He LOVES the mission president.  I know Number Four will as well.  The mission president can make or break any mission.  We feel blessed.

I do feel like I just did this.  I adore this child, and I will miss him terribly.  It is the most painful joy a mother can feel.  I can’t wait to see what he will become over those two years, but in the meantime, my heart…my heart…

Today I feel privileged and blessed.  Thank you my son for having an unselfish heart and a strong desire to serve your Father in Heaven.

Hell hath, indeed, frozen over

Posted in Daily Bread on March 19, 2010 by dunnthat

We never thought the day would come.  But it has.  

I will start at the beginning.

You all know of my undying love for my Mini.  I’ve blogged about him before.  I adore that child.  Everyone adores that child.  And if you don’t know him, I promise you would adore him as well if you knew him. 

Anna has even told me that if it doesn’t work out with Number One, she’s holding out for Mini.  Honestly, I don’t blame her.  (Things seem to be going well with those two, so I don’t think it’s likely.  Just sayin’.)

Let me tell you a little about Mini.  He’s 15, and he still loves his mom.  Usually at about this age, something happens to boys and they become really…um, hard to like.  Oh, we love them all right.  But sometimes we don’t like them very much.

That reminds me of a directive from the headquarters of the LDS church.  They are now allowing young men to serve full-time missions at 15.

Because at 15 they still know everything and their moms won’t miss them.

Not my Mini.  He hugs me and kisses my cheek and tells me that he loves me every day.  He makes super-human effort to open my door for me.  Always.  He gets himself up for school (give me a break- he has to meet the bus at 6:40 a.m.) and makes his own lunch (okay, that one’s on me) and always, always comes to kiss me good-bye before he leaves.  He has read the Book of Mormon seven times and is on his eighth.  He is a straight A (not A-) student with honors classes, even though he skipped third grade.  And, as many of you know, he is a lacrosse goalie who has been on the high school varsity team since he was a freshman (again, keep in mind he skipped a grade).

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again….I could eat that child with a spoon.

And this tribute will embarrass the crud out of him.

But I do have his permission to tell you this story, because it seriously…cracked…me…up.

Some of you may know that Mini has never uttered a swear word.  I KNOW.  I joke that this is because we don’t allow it in our home.

If you know me, you know how funny that is.

ANYWAY…

Even when we read scriptures, Mini says, “darnation,” “donkey,” and “heck.”  Usually for a laugh.  But I also think it is that uncomfortable for him to say those words.

Recently Mini said to me, “Oh, did I tell you I accidentally swore yesterday?”

“WHAT???”

“Yeah.  I was in wood shop and I got glue all over my new lacrosse sweats, and I really did mean to say ‘shute,’ but as I said it, it came out kind of southern.”

I laughed my fool head off.  “Southern.”  I don’t care who you are, THAT’S FUNNY.  And the really cool thing is that Mini was laughing, too.  He wasn’t destroyed that he’d wrecked his streak.  He saw the humor in the situation.  Which is another reason I love him.  He’s just so…real.

So I asked him, “Are you going to tell people you’ve never sworn now?” (I don’t know that he ever did tell people, but I have.)

And he said, “Nah.”

Adorable, right?

Warmly, me

Posted in Daily Bread on March 9, 2010 by dunnthat

I’ve noticed a new writing device that I love from a couple of Facebook friends.  I wish I could take credit for it, but alas, it is all NOT me. 

The device entails an open letter to…whomever.  Here is an example from a friend I’ll call…Elisabeth.

First you need to know – I think Elisabeth is a friend of mine.  But I don’t think I really am her friend.  She doesn’t read my blog – at all – which, just, hurts.  Because I think I’m HILARIOUS.  But she’s way funny, too.  I’ve even linked her.  See, I just did it again.  Check out her blog.  Does she link me?  No.  No she doesn’t.  But I still find her to be so funny. 

And, to be honest, she is the wife of a friend of number one’s.  So, who can blame her for not “hanging” out with me?

ME, that’s who.  Me.

I digress.

Here are a couple of examples of the writing device, by Elisabeth:

“Dear Person Who Made My Loaded Baked Potato–Who lied and told you it would be a good idea to melt the cheese on the OUTSIDE of the tin foil? It’s stuck on there and I can’t get it off. Oh.. You saw my thighs and thought it’d be best if I didn’t eat the cheese? You’re probably right. Thank you. That is all. Love, Elisabeth”

Dear Lame Guy at Barnes and Noble I’ve Had to Work With on Client Gifts: I will go to the animal shelter and get you a kitty cat. I will let you fall in love with that kitty cat. And then on some dark, cold night, I will steal away into your house and punch you in the face. Love, Elisabeth (and Sue)”

So awesome.  I’ve enjoyed the style, and I’m going to shamelessly copy it here.

Dear American Idol:  Thank you for beginning the process of fixing dreadlock girl’s badly mishandled teeth.  They are getting whiter.  I am relieved.  Soon I hope to see implants where there are missing teeth.  While you are at it, let’s get going on white-haired girl’s yellow teeth.  That would be nicer for all of us.  Warmly, me.  P.S.  Please try not to be so boring in the upcoming episodes.  I’m losing interest.

Dear Bachelor:  I wish I knew the magic that would give me back the twelve hours that you stole from me this season.  Perhaps next time you could save us all some trouble and time and just stick a straw directly into my brain and suck out brain cells.  Warmly, me.  P.S.  I give Vienna and Jake six months, tops.

Dear Dancing With the Stars:  Thank you SO much for assigning Jake the Bachelor to my favorite professional dancer, Chelsie Hightower.  Now I’m going to have to watch Mr. Weird Laugh and Joker Smile for who knows how long just to watch Chelsie.  Again, save some time and just take the brain cells now, please.  Warmly, me.

Dear Bronchial and Streptococcus bacteria who viciously invaded my body two weeks ago:  Thank you for the jump-start to my wedding diet.  Sadly, my appetite is back and Cap’n Crunch’s Crunch Berries seem to hit the spot like no other.   I was sick for nothing.  Warmly, me.

Dear Delta Airlines:  Your $400 credit did NOT make up for your stupid long lines that we patiently stood in on December 26th, and even though our flight was delayed, we did NOT appreciate you closing the flight one hour before original departure, which left us standing in line wondering, “WHA’??” when you told us we would not be allowed on the flight to Cancun because it was overbooked.  While we stood in your lines.  And we were there two hours early as suggested.  I used your credit, but if I can help it, I will not use your airline ever again.  Warmly, me.

Dear Dishonest Delta Employee in Cancun:  Thank you for moving us to the front of a 3-hour line in Cancun on January 2nd for the low low price of $50.  Totally worth it.  And oddly, seemed to be the biggest concern of Delta Customer Care when they called me after my scathing letter about their sucky service.  Not to worry, I did not give them your name.  A) I have no idea what it is and B) you were the best part of our Delta experience.  Hope to meet up with you next trip.  Warmly, me.

Dear Lady GaGa:  You are odd.  I don’t get the appeal.  Warmly, me.

Dear Black Eyed Peas:  Your music is so awesome.  Why do you always have to dirty it up so that I can’t listen to it without cringing?  At the Grammys your backup performers’ outfits looked nothing less than…anatomical.  And it was gross.  Warmly, me.  P.S. Shame you couldn’t hear the playback and were off by almost a full beat.

Dear Specific Group of Friends from Facebook:  If you are going to go to dinner and Lake Powell without us, you might want to NOT post your “everyone but us” pictures on your wall  and then pretend like we’re still awesome friends.  We notice.  Warmly, us.

Dear Costco:  I am in love with you.  Warmly, me.

Dear Kohls:  Ditto.  Warmly, me.

Dear Teenager Who Text Messages in the Fast Lane on the Freeway:  You are probably going to die.  Please don’t take me with you.  Warmly, me.

Dear Las Vegas:  I’m sorry that you think it gives you bragging rights to call yourself “Sin City.”  Really?  That’s what you want to be known for?  Sad.  Warmly, me.

Dear Fat on My Stomach:  I hate you.  Warmly, me.

Dear Friends:  Thanks for reading my blog.  You make it all worth while.  Warmly, me.

Why I’m glad my kids are older

Posted in Daily Bread on March 4, 2010 by dunnthat

Partial list:

  • I don’t have to pack a suitcase just to go to the store
  • No more mad dashes to a public bathroom before junior goes potty in his pants
  • I can reason with all my children…they understand English very well
  • They don’t put harmful things in their mouths
  • No more taking food to church (actually, I kind of miss that)
  • No more cleaning mashed raisins and/or Cheerios out of the car seams
  • No more bottles/sippee cups
  • They walk faster than I do
  • They carry their own stuff, and sometimes mine
  • They get themselves ready for stuff
  • They get themselves where they need to go
  • I don’t have to plan ahead to leave my home for five minutes
  • No more cleaning vomit out of carpet…they can all use a bucket unattended, which means no more getting up with them when they barf
  • They all do their own laundry
  • They can make “get by” meals
  • They write their own church talks
  • Except for Mini they’re bigger than me (and Mini will be bigger than me soon)
  • Therefore, they take care of me (even Mini, who always always opens my car door)
  • Their jokes are actually funny
  • They’re smarter than me
  • They know how to pick up after themselves (that doesn’t mean that they do, but they sure know how)
  • I can go out of town and they can take care of themselves
  • More drivers
  • They are contributors – to me, but also to the world (Don’t we have enough takers in this world?? GEEZ)
  • They have awesome wives/fiancés/girlfriends for me to play with
  • They think I’m cool and sometimes funny
  • They care when I’m unhappy or sick
  • They teach me stuff
  • They love me for me

Not to say that I didn’t LOVE my toddlers.  OH.  MY.  GOSH!  How fun are toddlers?  I just love my life right now.  That’s all I’m sayin’.

Winter Olympics in review

Posted in Daily Bread on March 2, 2010 by dunnthat
  • Cast rehearsal time for Canadian Winter Olympics Opening Ceremony = approximately 20 minutes. Direction: “Okay. Stand over here and look incredulous. Now, walk over there and look amazed. Good, good. That looks good.”
  • Luge = scary.  Sorry guy from Georgia.
  • Who knew Curling could be interesting?
  • Who knew I liked HOCKEY??
  • Bad bad day for Dutch skater Sven Kramer, but especially bad day for his coach who told him to switch lanes.  World record time = nothing.  Someone’s losing a job…
  • Lindsay Vonn is overrated. 
  • Torah Bright is my hero.  Last place to gold…Stellar!  An outstanding representative of the LDS church…a great girl (so I hear) who happens to be getting married the same day as my son…
  • The American snowboarder who sings to her ipod…shouldn’t.
  • Loved the “You’ll Never Walk Alone” commercial, but…still felt manipulated.
  • Kim Yu-na is beautiful grace.
  • Good for the Canadian figure skater who lost her mom but won the bronze.
  • Wow that was a lot of Apollo Ohno.  But, you know, good for him. 
  • He was, however, completely robbed of the gold in the race the judges disqualified him in. 
  • South Korean ice racers are scary and mean.
  • Who knew South Korea was so into ice sports?
  • Didn’t watch men’s figure skating.
  • Love the floppy-haired guy from the US ice dancing team.
  • Glad it’s over.  Need real life back.
  • Didn’t even bother with the closing ceremonies.  BORING.
  • Salt Lake was better.  Unbiased of course.