Archive for October, 2009

And that’s the way it is

Posted in In the News on October 31, 2009 by dunnthat
  • Have you noticed that each kid lucky enough to have a parent patient enough to wait in a ridiculous line for the H1N1 vaccination has the same terrified look on her face…as the moms and nurse have this weird smiley thing going on? h1n1 picture 2

h1n1 picture

                Holy cats, moms can be cruel.

  • Hackensack, N.J.  Good news for fat people.  Obesity is now a viable defense for murder.  Edward Ates’s attorneys claim he couldn’t possibly have run up and down the stairs and executed the quick getaway the murder timeline indicates because he’s just too fat and out of shape.   I knew there was a good reason to be fat and out of shape.
  • Yorba Linda, California.  Oh those PTA ladies.  Tried to make a cute slogan for their elementary school jog-a-thon by using 1-800 followed by letters meant to encourage.  Turns out the letters coincided with an actual phone number.  One of the parents called the number and was connected with an adult chat line.  Oops.
  • Coral Springs, Florida.  Boys.  So hot headed.  Fourteen-year-old Matthew Gorzynski was listening to music on his computer while his fifteen-year-old brother William Gorzynski was trying to watch TV.  That Matthew can be so annoying.  William told Matthew to turn it down.  Well he didn’t.  They argued.  Loudly.  Then William went into the kitchen and grabbed a 7-inch knife and stabbed Matthew in the chest!  And killed him.  Yeah, Matthew won’t do that again.  A more detailed article here.
  • And finally, good news for Walmart customers.  You may now buy caskets online.  Just like Costco!   I knew they’d come around.  You are welcome.

Juan, this is A-mer-i-ca

Posted in In the News on October 30, 2009 by dunnthat

Juan Estephan Lopez, 21, of Salt Lake City, (at least at this moment), was sure that three certain 11-year-old boys spray-painted an obscenity on the side of his new car.

Juan was ticked.  And he just wasn’t going to take it anymore.

He tracked down each boy, all in different locations, and shoved each in his car.

Once he’d gathered all the boys, Juan drove to an auto-body shop and called the mother of one of the boys.

And demanded $1000 (estimated cost of repairing his car) before he’d release the boys.

I don’t know how things are done south of the border, but here in the United States we don’t kidnap kids for repair ransoms.

Oddly enough, Juan is in the United States illegally.

Go figure.

I’m sure he was shocked when kidnapping charges were filed against him.

A-mer-i-ca dude.  A-mer-i-ca.

Story here.

Post script:  Good news…I’m caught up on my newspaper reading, but today’s paper has too many greatly weird stories.  Buckle up.  And soon, I’ll be back to regular blogging.

White trash defined

Posted in In the News on October 28, 2009 by dunnthat

Who needs a dictionary when you have this visual?

White Trash La-Z-Boy

This, dear friends, is a motorized La-Z-Boy recliner.  Built from American-made ingenuity and a gas-powered lawnmower, complete with stereo, cup holders, a steering wheel, headlights and power antenna.

And yet, the story doesn’t end here.

Dennis LeRoy Anderson, 61, of Proctor, Minnesota, was the proud owner and creator of this fine piece of workmanship.  Estimated speeds reached 15-20 miles per hour.

Did I say “was”? 

I think I did.

Because Mr. Anderson, on a particularly wild bender that started in his living room, left a bar and drove his La-Z-Boy into a Dodge Intrepid innocently parked in the parking lot.

Police arrived, administered a field sobriety test, which Mr. Anderson failed, and carted Mr. Anderson’s backside to the slammer.

Mr. Anderson’s blood alcohol level was 0.29 percent.  Just to give you an idea, the legal limit in Utah is 0.08 percent.

Mr. Anderson was smashed.  And driving on a revoked license.

Bad day for La-Z-Boy cruising Mr. Anderson.  Bad bad day.

The La-Z-Boy has been impounded and is up for police auction.

Just in case you wanted to know.

Full story here.

Old news

Posted in In the News on October 26, 2009 by dunnthat

I’m way behind on my newspaper reading.  Like a week and two days.  But there has been some old stuff I’ve hung on to that is totally noteworthy.

Two in one day.  You can even use the same link.  Aren’t I thoughtful?

First word of caution:  Do not golf in South Carolina.  A man in his 70s leaned over to pick up his ball, and an alligator bit it off! 

I can’t help but try to relive the scene in my head.  Old guy is golfing with buddies.  Reaches for ball near pond.  Alligator comes from nowhere, drags him into the pond and yoinks his arm off.

Friends freak out.  Wrestle alligator in the pond.  Are able to free their friend.

Seriously – try to picture this…a bunch of old guys wrestling an alligator. 

In a pond.

Victorious.

Wildlife guys kill the alligator and retrieve the arm.  Hoping to reattach it.

No word yet on reattachment success or lack of it

Next story, right below this one:  Another example that there should be a test before anyone is allowed to procreate.

Sheboygan, Wisconsin. (What a fantastic name.  It had to be said.)  A woman shoplifts beef jerky and a lighter. (??)

Okay, then the article says police went to her home.  I find that part of the story weird as well.

How did they know she’d stolen beef jerky and a lighter?  How did they know who she was?  Where she was?

And seriously, do the Sheboygan police really have nothing better to do than to track down a woman who stole beef jerky and a lighter?

Nevertheless.

Police go to her home.  She strips to her underwear in front of her children and tells the police they can’t arrest her because she’d be naked.

A scuffle ensues.  She exposes herself.

All in front of her children.

Just…picture it.

Nice.

All for beef jerky and a lighter.

Proof here.

You are welcome for these mental images.

Snap crackle pop

Posted in Daily Bread on October 23, 2009 by dunnthat

So I went to the chiropractor yesterday because I was having trouble turning my head to the right, and I find that it’s pretty important to me to be able to turn my head to the right. 

So I went.

The men in my home call what the doc does “voo doo.”  So what if he does the “strong finger” test and uses light laser to balance my innards?  So what if he strength tests my emotions?  So what if he said he was “screwing” my son’s leg back on when he was doing acupressure?

Yet, they keep going to him.

Whatever.

I just know this…I feel better when I leave.

But he does do this one thing that feels so good and yet feels so wrong.

First you need to know that my doctor (some wouldn’t call him that, but I do) is kind of strange…looking and personality.  A little overweight, white comb-over hair, and big rather yellow horsey teeth.  And he tells me about his other patients which a) I don’t care about and b) is against the law I’m pretty sure.

Anyway…

Picture:  I’m lying on my back on the chiro table, arms crossed over my chest.  He reaches his hand back around to my spine and places his fingers wherever they need to be to stretch my back in just the right place.

He tells me to take a deep breath in and then breathe out.

I always breathe in through my mouth and out through my nose.  Why?  Because I don’t want to breathe bad breath on the guy.

I’m thoughtful that way.

So, on my back, arms crossed, his hand reached around, breathing…

Then he takes his rather soft body and kind of heaves it onto my chest for two bounces.  And several of my vertebrae pop.

Rather satisfyingly.

What if someone walked in?  That would look strange.

It is strange.

But feels OH SO GOOD.

Pop-ular

Posted in Daily Bread on October 22, 2009 by dunnthat

Weird.  I posted my blog site address on facebook because a few friends had asked for it, and I had the highest traffic day of my blogging history!  So exciting…

And then…a huge drop.

What do you suppose that means? 

Those new people who read it thought it was dumb?  And so they are DONE?

Extreme high (OH MY GOSH!!  LOOK AT THOSE NUMBERS!!) to sad, sad low (no one loves me anymore).

Am I bipolar OR WHAT??

Sad.

Though I am excited about you new readers and thanks for commenting.  This post will be sort of administrative. 

I often comment on the comments but I am so behind that the comment sidebar widget thingy will look like I’m the only one who ever comments on my blog because they will all be “dunnthat” and that is just pathetic.

So I wish to spend this post commenting on your comments.  But mostly I just want to see how many times I can write “comment” or any of its derivatives.  Comment.

Anna…always there for me.  Comments on every blog no matter how lame.  Heart you.  Thanks for thinking I have a nice rack (this was her filter fyi).  I only have a nice rack because I’m fat.  Glad you’re avoiding Golden Corral…for several reasons.  And I knew you would “get” the cookie dough reference.  We are kindred spirits.  And, for those of you who care, Anna is number one’s girlfriend.  I have permission to use that word in terms of who she is in relation to number one.  Girlfriend.  Girlfriend girlfriend girlfriend.  She is hysterical and you all should read her blog

Chancemusings (heretofore known as CM- just way too long the other way):  Glad you’re here.  You are so sweet to always read my blog and comment.  Glad to help you with your newspaper reading.  You’re welcome. <g>  Number 3 did have stress-related blisters in his throat – turns out.  And I do NOT have it going on…fyi.  I can’t believe you went to Donkey Beach as well…How did you hear about it?

Emily H…you should comment more.  I’m glad you read.

Tish…Oh Tish…such a loyal friend.  You will never be out of dunnthat world.  Sorry you think I’m gross.

Andrea…I can’t believe you read my blog in the hospital during labor.  I’m honored.  And amazed.  And I think your underwear is magic when it separates itself in the wash.  Wish mine did.  And I’m pretty sure we have the same underwear.

Emily S…Stop saying effing. 🙂

CM and Emily S….I am going to try Zumba.  Thanks for the suggestion.  I still hate the gym.

Father Dear is indeed my dad.  Isn’t he cute?  I love that you read my blog Dad.  Always my biggest fan.  Always.

M Park…Love when you comment.  I miss you.  I’m glad you read even though I gross you out, too.

Emily M…to remind readers…was on a nude beach on her honeymoon when she threw her top on her sleeping husband’s face and ran to the beach.  Sounds like a movie.  Was there music?  You do realize sweetie, that this is only a good thing when one looks like YOU.   And thanks for the kidney.  I may take you up on it sometime.  Em.

Natalie…thanks for dropping by.  It’s fun to see you here.

Erin…New reader!  Yay!  Thanks for dropping by.  Your family’s hot.

Mary…I miss you.  You are the reason I started a blog.  I need you to read my blog for validation…don’t you understand??  Glad you’re back…if you are… Don’t give me the whole “I have three kids under three” speech.  Heard it before. 😀  Check out Anna’s blog.  As mentioned above, she is D’s girlfriend 🙂

Stephanie!  Great to see you here.  I love that you’re reading and think I’m funny, but I’m sad you had to do it from a hospital bed.  WTH?? 🙂 

Kate…I miss you.  I brag about you all the time.  I can’t believe you’re this big deal doctor now 🙂  I’m so glad to have you back.  I know you were on sabbatical…from work and stuff.  I’ve missed your comments and I love you.  And I will try to keep from getting salmonella.  If I must.

Troy.  Brave brave Troy.  Lone man in the wilderness.  I am SO GLAD you read my blog!  You rock.  Adam and Eve…did Adam volunteer the rib?  Or did Heavenly Father just take it?  If it was just taken, then Eve has a steady leg to stand on in all arguments.  Even though the woman that He gavest Adam ate of the fruit. 

Linda…Be brave my friend!  Keep commenting!  I love when you do.  Protein drinks…there is not enough Splenda in the world.  Nothing like a protein shake bubble bursting up through my throat either.  Ew. 

Amy Amy…Forever Amy…a true blue friend who has always kept the faith…So glad the swine flu didn’t kill you.  I’d be so sad.  You are bionic.  For sure.

To so many of you…glad I’m not the only germ freak.  I’ll probably be the first one to get swine flu in my family.

I’ll try to keep up on my commenting on your comments from here on out.  But this was fun for me…reliving all your greatness.  Hope it was fun for you…nothing like seeing your name in print, right?

Randomness revisted

Posted in Daily Bread on October 19, 2009 by dunnthat
  • Laundry day is determined by when I’m out of underwear.
  • Almost without exception, my underwear is inside out when it comes out of the wash.  It is not always inside out when it goes in.  What’s up with that?
  • Every time I eat cookie dough I half hope I’ll get salmonella from the raw eggs so I can drop a few pounds.  Is that wrong?
  • You know you’ve eaten a LOT of cookie dough when your teeth get all fuzzy and brushing feels like baptism by immersion (you know – purified).
  • Just saw on TV that local Catholics have altered their practice of wine communion because of concerns over H1N1.  THIS is what it took to motivate a change?  I’ve always been grossed out about the idea of communal drinking cups.  EW.
  • No shaking hands, hugging, or kissing during the scripted part of their service either…a nod shall do it. 
  • I can’t open a public bathroom door with my bare hands after I’ve washed them…because I KNOW most people don’t wash theirs after bathroom visits and I do not want to touch a doorknob their filthy haven’t-washed-since-1984 hands have contaminated.  Is there something wrong with that??
  • I keep re-injuring the two baby toes on my right foot after I broke them when I kicked a wall.  And I just keep kicking stuff.  I think I may have a brain injury.
  • Knowing how to download Blackberry “apps” onto my phone makes me cool, man.  But the fact that I can’t read the instructions to Ka-Glom without reading glasses negates all coolness.  As does the phrase “cool, man.”
  • Why is Brett Favre’s name pronounced “FARRRVE”?  Maybe Brett has misspelled his own name.
  • I hate the taste of protein drinks.  I’m just throwing that out there.
  • Why are the Ipod white wire ear phones a status sign?  You ever wear them?  They are uncomfortable.  They hurt my ears and they don’t have great sound.  So my $80 black-wired ear phones are thought to be “less than” when viewed from afar, yet I have WAY better sound.  Huh.
  • I have the purest blood when it comes to medications.  One Advil and I’m flying high.  But I fear I’ve become a pill popper.  I can’t seem to sleep at night for some weird reason and I’m sick of lying there until after 1:00 a.m. when I know I need to get up early.  One Unisom wipes…me…out.  OUT.  For two days.  So I’ve been breaking them in half and then biting off bits of the half to about the size of 1/4 of 1/2.  I know that’s 1/8th.  But that doesn’t sound nearly as interesting as 1/4 of 1/2, right?  So with this barely more than a lick of Unisom, I am still out of it when I wake up in the morning.  What in the world?
  • Marge Simpson on the cover of Playboy magazine.  Stupid.  I really have nothing more to say about that.
  • Just news for you to use…if you comment and use my name in your comment, my preferences will hold that comment for owner approval.  Much like the “f” word.
  • I can never find a back scratcher when I need one.  I just end up rubbing against something rough like a bear in the woods.
  • The diet officially starts today.  And this time I MEAN IT.  So prepare for grumpiness ahead.