Archive for September, 2009

My arteries are crying

Posted in Daily Bread, In the News on September 30, 2009 by dunnthat

“We’re never satisfied when it comes to food. ‘You know what’d be good on this burger? A ham sandwich. Instead of a bun, let’s use two donuts. That way we can have it for breakfast. Look out McGriddle…here comes the donut-ham-hamburger!'”
~ Jim Gaffigan

Poor Jim.  Just making a joke, and look what happens.

People, put your pencils down.  Because we’re done.

The Big E in Massachusetts has redefined excess, and its name is The Craz-E Burger, a bacon cheeseburger nestled between a honey-glazed donut. 

craz-e burger

Weighing in at 1500 calories, the Big E sold more than 2,000 of these gems last weekend. 

Let’s see, that’s 3,000,000 calories.

From just that burger.

In one weekend.

I think I just threw up a little in my mouth.

The news article I’ve linked says these babies “make your mouth water.”  Yeah, my mouth always waters just before I vomit.

Ew.  I can’t imagine.

Also on the menu at The Big E:  fried oreos, (battered, THEN fried), fried cheesecake, fried mushrooms, fried cheese curd, (what the H???), and the can’t-seem-to-ever-get-rid-of corn dogs.

Let’s see.  I’ll have the Craz-E Burger, a large order of fries, a chocolate milkshake…

And a Diet Coke.

To go.

More Randomness

Posted in Daily Bread, Random thoughts on September 28, 2009 by dunnthat
  • My pants are magic.  They get smaller for no apparent reason.
  • I heard the greatest thing in my life Saturday from my friend Amy (thanks Amy!).  Amy said that she thinks I’m a better writer than one of my favorite, really famous, blogger/writers.  And she seemed sincere.  Oh, I am SO TOTALLY Words of Affirmation.  Walking on clouds…skipping in the sunshine…gathering flowers and tossing them onto the cool calm surface of a crystal-clear pond…la la la.
  • This is NOT a cry for affirmation…I’m just telling you what happened.  And I don’t agree with Amy.  But I love her OH SO VERY MUCH.  Even if she’s wrong wrong wrong.
  • THEN number four told me that one of his friends told him (number four) that he wished number four had a sister.  “Why?”  “Because she’d be hot.  Because your mom’s hot.”  OH MY GOSH!!!  Awesome day.  All in one day.
  • But then it all came crashing down:  For talkers like me, life is a series of hits and misses.  Those hits…oh my goodness…GLORIOUS! But the misses…there is seriously almost no worse feeling in this world.  Crickets…chirping…  Apparently I suck at reading social cues.  Note to self:  Learn how to read social cues.
  • I found out that one can actually drink liquid that is so hot that it blisters your throat.  I thought number three had ulcerous growths on his tonsils and so I self-prescribed (by calling a doctor friend) 850 mg of Augmenten two times a day for ten days to help rid him of this horrific infection. (Number three is taking 18 credit hours, in engineering for crying out loud, and literally is not available during doctor hours to go to the doctor, so I diagnosed him myself because I was panicked at what I saw in his throat and I don’t trust after-hours clinic doctors who don’t know my kid.)  How does one burn one’s tonsils to the point of blistering?  Chimarraon.  Yeah.  The Augmenten didn’t help.
  • I feel a lot of pressure to be funny… all… the… time…  Sorry if all my posts don’t make you laugh all the time…but SOME of them are stellar, right?  I think so, because seriously, sometimes *I* laugh as I’m writing them.  heh heh  (I sincerely think that “Inconsiderate lout” is one of the funniest stories of my life.  The story it produced was totally worth the experience…)
  • I read a newspaper article informing me that shower heads may harbor dangerous bacteria.  Great.  Now I can die from the shower…
  • I also read an obituary for a guy my age (49) who died of “natural causes.”  What the ??  What’s natural about dying at 49??
  • Last week I poured my cereal and a lethargic fly came out into my bowl and was spinning around in circles.  EW.  So I thought, wow, I bet this fly just left a future family in my cereal.  So I dumped the entire box out into the garbage disposal and gagged and gagged while my food noisily ground down the drain.  I bet this is the natural cause that killed that guy.
  • And finally, I received an email forward from my dad yesterday that showed a very real consequence of texting while driving.  A semi hit a little car (I’m guessing the little car driver was the text messenger) and the kid was literally torn in half.  And, I saw it.  And I still see it…  Ew.  Put…the phone…down… Please!  (Public service announcement courtesy of dunnthat.)

Post edit:  I just realized this is my 100th post!  Apparently I just can’t shut up. 😀

Single Ladies Part Two

Posted in Daily Bread, In the News on September 26, 2009 by dunnthat

Here’s an interesting fun fact from a recent national census survey… 

The ratio of unmarried men to women ages 15-44 in Utah is 124.4 men to 100 women. (See Deseret News Tuesday, September 22, 2009.  I can’t paste the file here for some reason.)

I would not have guessed that at all.  Isn’t that Alaska?

Nope.

Utah.

This may be why it’s so hard for some of the amazing single men I know to find that special woman.

I guess all I have to say is…perhaps if he likes it he should put a ring on it.

To no one in particular.

Football meets Single Ladies

Posted in Daily Bread on September 25, 2009 by dunnthat

It must first be said – I truly DO love Taylor Swift.  Everything about her…her music, her clean lyrics, who she is, the fact that she loves and respects her mom and still needs/wants her with her. 

And she SO deserved the VMA for best female video.

Having said that, I think Beyonce is really classy.  AND, her “Single Ladies” video is slammin’.  Also very deserving of the best video award (both male and female).

The video has been parodied to hilarious results more than any other I’ve seen.  (Know that my experience is limited.)  Justin Timberlake, and recently a cute baby who dances to the song in a diaper.

But the latest parody – SO AWESOME.  I had to share.

If you haven’t seen the original:

And now for the new one…I am a huge fan of Fox’s “Glee” (when it’s not uber sexual, which it can be…shame).  If you like musicals, you’re likely to enjoy “Glee.”  It’s filled with actual Broadway stars singing popular songs in the guise of a high school glee club.  Really remarkable.

Anyway, this parody of “Single Ladies” was so funny I had tears streaming down my face. 

Back story:  The football team is horrible.  They’ve lost every game, including most recently to the deaf school.  In an effort to try to improve their game, the boys decided to learn to dance a la Walter Payton of the Chicago Bears (“did you know you can just borrow books from [the library]?”).

This clip shows how dance applies during their most recent football game.  There’s too much back story on this clip, so if you want to skip to the best part, go to about the 2:00 minute marker.  It’s just that this was the best quality clip, so you get extra footage:

From a football perspective, there are so many penalties in this play:  delay of game, illegal procedure (movement as well as crossing the scrimmage line) and general debauchery. 

But the result…fabulous.

If you enjoy the meat of the video, make sure to hang on until the kicker kicks the extra point.

Awesomeness.

Huge DUH

Posted in Daily Bread on September 23, 2009 by dunnthat

Costco is quite brilliant at parting me with my money.  Brilliant.  You know I have a crush on Costco as blogged about here and here.

And, oddly enough, several other places as witnessed by my internal search.  Sheesh.

Anyway.

Costco is brilliant because they will only carry some stuff for a short period of time, and when it’s gone it’s gone.  This makes me think I’d better hurry up and buy it because who knows when it will be there again, if ever.  I honestly have been burned by this before.  I promise.

So I buy it, and I always think, hey, I can just return it. 

And then I don’t.

And it keeps gathering.  And then on occasion I finally do a major return and the people at the counter look at me like I’m a real jerk because I’m returning a bunch of stuff, but HEY GUYS, if I’m returning it, that means I BOUGHT IT in the first place.  So stop looking at me like that.

Things I’ve purchased at Costco recently that are really stupid:

  • A Chi straightener.  In and of itself, very smart.  But I already have a Chi straightener.  But Costco DID run out of them and now I have one.  Just in case.
  • Macadamia nut chocolate caramel clusters.  Oh my celestial glory…have you tried them?  GLORIOUS.  But WAY DUMB.  And a secret from the rest of my family.
  • An automatic hot water dispenser.  Mine isn’t working all that great and probably needs a filter cleaning or something easy.  But just in case it’s something more, I now have one at the ready.
  • Two reverse osmosis water purifiers for two different locations.  Still in their boxes.
  • A portable Dyson handheld vacuum.  Okay, I bought two – one for my house and one for my cabin.  This was for the little jobs, you know?  The flies in the corners.  Um, not that sucky, if you know what I mean.  AND they don’t hold a charge very well.  Returned.
  • Another portable, rechargable floor vacuum that was supposed to revolutionize my hard floor cleaning.  Didn’t.  Returned.
  • Several Jake’s Dry Goods T-shirts that look good on the table, but not on my body.   Returned.
  • Ten rolls of weed barrier for the job that never got done at our house.  Bought them two seasons ago.  Still have them.
  • Two large Shelf Reliance canned food organizers.  Purchased SEVERAL years ago.  Set up one, the other is still in the box.  It’s too big for our storage room to hold two.
  • A large wheel of Gorgonzola cheese.  I have no excuse for this.  It was being demonstrated and I was hungry.
  • Yet another pair of jeans that don’t fit.  To be returned.
  • Fifteen boxes of “Voots.”  Again, you never know when they aren’t going to have them anymore.  Voots are sour tart-ish tablets that provide you with your servings of fruit and vegetables for the day.  I know.
  • Three pumpkin pies, simply because there was a $1.00 off coupon.  Truly dumb.  Still eating them.
  • Speaking of coupons – another trap.  I buy stuff because they are on coupon whether I need them or not.  Granted, most of these purchases are non-expirable (like ziplock bags) but STILL.

If given enough time and energy, I could increase this list by TWO.  Easily.  I’m bored with it now, though.

But here’s the thing… I DO save a lot of money at Costco (kind of) on the things I need and use.  I’m just kind of dumb sometimes.  And I usually rectify said dumbness by returning a boatload of stuff about four times a year.

But, honestly.

Ultimate back-stabber

Posted in In the News, Tales of Yore on September 20, 2009 by dunnthat

In my experience as a mother, there is a period of time when boys are about fifteen years old that I have moments when I just about lose my appreciation for parenthood (except for Mini, who continues to be pretty perfect so far, and his fifteenth birthday is tomorrow).

I recall one episode when Number One, also a pretty perfect kid, and I hit a bit of a rough patch. 

This is not one of my most proud parenting moments.

For the record.

We were arguing about something.  I can’t for the life of me remember what it was.  But my last nerve had been stomped on, and I just couldn’t…go…on…

And, for the record, I’m sure it was pretty exasperating and I’m sure I was justified in being torqued.

So, I directed the boy with a pointed finger and pointed words toward “outside.”

Then I locked the doors.  All of them.

It was raining.

And, he was barefoot.

I saw him out in the backyard.  In the rain.  Looking up at the window.

Drippy and forlorn.

I was unmoved.

Apparently he went to a friend’s house for the cooling down period.  After about a half hour he called me and said, “Can I come home now?”

Calmly I said, “I don’t think so.”

And I ended the call.

Eventually I returned to normal (such as it was) and I let the poor boy back in the house.

The next day we were in the car and a danc-y song came on the radio and I was doing the Cabbage Patch at a stop light with the purpose of embarrassing him as best as I could. 

He started laughing.  Then he said, “I love you, Mom.”

??

I said, “You do?  After what I did yesterday?”

And he said, “Yeah.”  Pause.  “That was weird.”

And we were done.

This is the best part about having boys.  One and done. 

Girls, on the other hand, tend to remember what wrongs were committed against them from years ago…date and time.

So, I was thinking about this as I read yet another newspaper article about a fifteen-year-old boy and the result of an argument he and his mother were having.

Whenever I want to feel like a decent mother I watch a little Jerry Springer or read a little news…

“Police say a 15-year-old Texas boy stabbed his mother in the back with a 6-inch kitchen knife while pretending to hug her after an argument.”

Oh…my…gosh…

Fifteen, right? 

The old “hug and stab.”

Guess I’m not such a bad mom after all.

I … am a tool hoarder

Posted in Daily Bread on September 16, 2009 by dunnthat

True. 

I don’t know when my obsessive love of tools started.  Some of you may know that I am rather handy around the house. 

Or, I used to be.  Before I became so stinking tired all the time.

Anyway, one of my monikers is “handymom.”  I have an email address by that name, which has ended up being my junk email.  You know, the email address that you give every site that requires an email address.  Which ends up being twice as much work since I have multiple email addresses. 

But if I get junk email in my personal email inbox I just feel so VIOLATED.

A few of the handy things I’ve done:

  • Replaced the distributor wires on an older vehicle.  This involves connecting the correct wires from the spark plugs to the distributor cap.  If the incorrect wires are connected, the car won’t start.
  • Installed several programmable thermostats.
  • Installed ceiling fans.
  • Replaced a toilet.
  • Replaced numerous components on a computer (hard drives, floppy drives, cd drives, dvd drives, fans, etc.).
  • Removed old tile then re-tiled a bathroom and an entry way.
  • Re-caulked a bathroom, including around the toilet (ick).
  • Painted.  Duh.
  • Hooked up stereo componentry (before it became so stinkin’ complicated).

Don’t be fooled, however.  I am HORRIFIC at crafts.  I can’t seem to draw a straight line, and my penmanship is laughable.

In other words, don’t expect any adorable tole painting projects from me.  I doubt I could do vinyl lettering without messing that up, either.  Scrapbooking?  Don’t make me laugh.

So somehow, during all this handy-ness, I have become obsessive over my tools.  I hide them from my family because they borrow stuff and don’t put it back.

Is there anything more frustrating than being unable to find a Phillips screwdriver??  Or the one Allen wrench you need?  Same with sockets?

Grrr.

So I keep buying tool sets to replace the tool set with the one missing piece, and then I give the handicapped tool set to the “house.”

And then I hide my tool set. 

tool set

Isn't it pretty?

Oh, and P.S., my husband is just as bad as my boys about borrowing my tools and not putting them back. 

It had to be said.

Recently number three asked to borrow an Allen wrench, and I was too lazy to go get the tool set from its hiding place and get it for him, so I told him where the tool set was so he could get it himself.

Now I have to find a new hiding place.

Because, of course, when I went back to my office, there was my tool set opened and spread out on my couch.  I certainly did have an FFO, (Female Flip Out), and I believe the wrench was eventually returned and the tool set put away.

But the sanctity of my tool set has been breached.   And this seriously bugs me.

I did a recent survey of my tool set situation, and I discovered that I have three complete tool sets stashed in special places.  I think I stash them and then I forget that I have them, so I buy another one.

Thus, three.

I actually think this might be some kind of disease.  Probably.