Archive for May, 2009

Heck in a hand basket

Posted in Daily Bread on May 31, 2009 by dunnthat

I was driving in my neighborhood yesterday when I saw a golf cart in someone’s driveway.  This is for neighborhood driving.  You know, because getting out your great big car for a few blocks would be way too expensive (huh?) and too inconvenient.

It caused me to wonder:  What is the thing you purchased when things were good that you wish you hadn’t since the economy went to heck in a hand basket?

My purchase of regret would be exercise equipment, for both home and the office.  The office uses it a lot.  Yay for them.  But I wish I had those thousands back right now.  As for my home, I never use the stuff.  And I’m just getting fatter.

What purchase do you regret?

Toilet paper trails

Posted in Tales of Yore on May 29, 2009 by dunnthat

One of my most favorite bloggers (probably because she’s random like me) just wrote about her dad’s 2 1/2 year supply of toilet paper and I seriously laughed my head off.  Not just because her post was so funny (it was – good job Anna) but because it brought back such great childhood memories of my dad’s great care in eliminating waste (okay, in a different way from what you’re thinking).  My kids have to know that I come by my anal-retentive-light-turner-offer compulsiveness naturally.  So, with apologies to my dad, (you knew this blog was coming some day, didn’t you Dad?), the following are some of my best growing up stories ever:

When I was about eight years old, my dad introduced our family to the “three squares of toilet paper” policy.  Dad informed us kids that his butt was bigger than any of ours, and if he could successfully get the J.O.B. done with three squares, by dang, we could get the J.O.B. done with three squares.  This policy was introduced at the dinner table with a demonstration.  Three squares, folded neatly over themselves to produce one square with triple strength, was sufficient for any bathroom necessity. 

I found I just could not do it.  And I tried.  Sincerely.  I remember one day approaching my mom very nearly in tears, and explaining to her that I simply could not make this assignment happen.  I remember she put her arm around my shoulders and said, “Oh sweetie.  Just use whatever you need.  Forget what your dad said.”

I think this was the first time in my young life that it ever even dawned on me that parents didn’t always agree on everything.

In my dad’s defense, he will tell you that I used to spin the roll so thoroughly that he could hear me clear down the hall.  It was this wastefulness that prompted the three square policy.

This isn’t the best toilet paper story of my youth.

When I was a teenager, for some ridiculous reason we thought it was cool to toilet paper each other’s houses.  This was torture for my dad, who thought it was the most unreasonable waste.   We ended up having to buy our own toilet paper for this adventure, and I, being my father’s daughter, was equally frugal.  So we used to take a roll of toilet paper and cut it with a butcher knife across its middle to form two rolls out of one, albeit really skinny strips of toilet paper rolls. 

FYI, these didn’t work very well.  Throwing the rolls over trees always ended in a glitch in the unraveling motion.  This was a huge pain.

This still isn’t the best toilet paper story of my youth.

When I was dating my husband-to-be, he came out of our bathroom once and asked, “What in the world is that garbage bag of toilet paper doing in your bathroom?”  Honestly, this bag in the bathroom seemed quite normal to me, but my husband to this day can’t get over what that bag was all about.

Our house had been toilet papered.  This was fairly common.  As the family cleaned up the mess, my dad had us gather all the toilet paper in plastic garbage bags.  We pulled strands off the trees, trying carefully to keep them from breaking on the perforations.  We pulled twigs and leaves off the paper, hand rolled the long strands, and placed them in the bags.  And there each sat next to our toilets, ready to be utilized the way Charmin intended.

The interesting thing is, we weren’t poor by any stretch.  There was just no room for waste in our family. 

What’s most interesting to me now is that my parents have the most amazing toilet paper in their bathrooms.  It is so thick and luxurious that it feels like a towel to me.  I always feel so guilty using it.  It just seems way to nice for my unworthy bottom.

Late addition:  Related but not the same…I once typed a letter to a missionary on a roll of toilet paper. (Children, a “typewriter” is a square-ish machine that has buttons on it similar to your keyboard.  When mommy pushed these buttons, a metal arm with the appropriate pushed letter would fly up from inside the machine and strike the page, but not before a ribbon with ink on it slid up between the metal striker and the paper to create letters and words on paper.)

How I know I’d never make it in a gang

Posted in Daily Bread on May 27, 2009 by dunnthat
  • I can’t draw for crap.  This is especially complicated by a spray can. 
  • Don’t tell me what to do.  Just don’t.
  • I’m not much of a follower.
  • I’d smack any man who told me I had to be beholden to him for ANY REASON.
  • West Valley bangs look awful on me.
  • My eyebrows are too thick.
  • My skin is too droopy for tattoos and/or multiple piercings.
  • I suck at lying.
  • Tylenol gives me a buzz.
  • I only own two guns.  And they are legal.
  • I go to bed at 10:00 p.m. and I need at least 8 hours of sleep.
  • I’m not really angry…at anyone.
  • My car doesn’t go boom-boom-boom (Black Eyed Peas people – catch up).  Um, this is a sub-woofer reference.  Word.
  • I pick up after myself and I can’t litter.
  • I say “Oh my GOSH” like a lot.  And I say “like” a lot.
  • I can’t break dance.
  • I’m a sissy law abider.
  • I’m pretty much a sissy everything.

Resurrected

Posted in Daily Bread on May 26, 2009 by dunnthat

Earthly blessings that allow me a glimpse of the glory of the resurrection:

  • LASIK eye surgery (even though it’s not quite as sharp at is used to be…seriously, it’s like being resurrected).
  • Laser hair removal.
  • Adult orthodontia (and subsequent teeth whitening).
  • Permanent eye liner.
  • Hysterectomy.

Life’s cruelties that continually remind me I’m not even close: 

Top search phrases for this blog

Posted in Daily Bread on May 22, 2009 by dunnthat

WordPress keeps track of “top search” phrases on wordpress blogs.  Here are the top search phrases used to guide people to this blog:

random wiry hairs on head,  nicole randall johnson darrell,  true mom confessions forum, lassally,  dirty lazy mom confessions

Ew.  Really?  Dirty?  Lazy?  Humph. 

And yet…I laugh.

KISS…really?

Posted in Daily Bread, Tales of Yore on May 21, 2009 by dunnthat

Saw them on American Idol last night.  When are these men going to realize… DUDES…  You.  Are.  Old.  Geriatrics acting like they’re in their twenties…not attractive.  To be honest, it wasn’t attractive back then either. 

Gene Simmons:  put your tongue back in your mouth.  We got it.  It’s long.  Woo.  And the top pony tail?  Who are you?  Pebbles?

And seriously guy-in-the-middle…two words:  Chest wax.

I was an Olympic Volunteer during the 2002 Salt Lake City Winter Olympics.  I had the coolest assignment:  Stage and Prop Crew for Opening and Closing Ceremonies.  My oldest boy was on his mission during this time, and I have multiple celebrities wishing him well on video “down there in Argentina.”   I also “interviewed” on video a variety of women for the position of this missionary’s wife.  I provided pictures and school transcripts.  I think I’m hilarious.

I even have Christina Aguilera’s back-up dancers expressing their interest (from the photo).  I thought it was hysterical, so I asked them to please say it again on tape.  Oh, they did.

Cute girl number one said, “Oh MAN!  He is HOT!  He’d better DO IT!”  (Said with hip action, a little bit of bounce and singing if I’m being honest.)  Eh.  I didn’t care.  I thought it was funny.  And…I sent it to him.

I digress.

Anyway, KISS performed in the Closing Ceremonies.  We had props in a room right next to the room prepared for KISS.  They were the only “talent” who got their own room, and they were particular about what snacks and drinks were provided.  All their ridiculous boots were in a separate adjoining room.

I have issues with anyone…anyone…who puts themselves above anyone else.  For any reason. 

I was torqued.

SO…before they arrived in Salt Lake, I went into their room…and palm-touched EVERYTHING:  their food, their drinks, their shoes.

Arrogant pukes.

Yeah.  I don’t like them very much.

P.S.  I realize this is a rant.  Apparently I’m a ranter.

Do you think she meant it…

Posted in Daily Bread on May 20, 2009 by dunnthat

Or is this just brilliant marketing by way of suck up?  I’m not sure I care.   I heart her.

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